Biggest fear of a father isn’t that his daughter will run away but that she would refuse to marry. Nowadays, parents accept love/inter-caste marriage as long as there is a formal girl-boy marriage (God save LGBT). Educating your daughter and letting her choose to work is an acceptable practice these days in a certain section of society but a surprisingly high number of ladies in that exact same category choose to study further or go to a different city to work for the sole purpose of dodging the topic of marriage. Are we seeing a sudden upsurge of women not wanting to get married, or at least taking a long time to make-up their minds?
Now that these women are finally allowed to have freedom to choose their career and guys in their lives, they are unimpressed with just that, they want more, much more. Independence is something you just can’t have enough of. Women now have their way while deciding field of study, jobs and ways to spend their hard-earned money. Their life, on paper, is perfect. They don’t see a reason to change it any sooner than it is required and that usually means unless there is too much pressure from friends and family members.
When these said family members try to lure you towards marriage, plus-point they show is stability. What does this stability really mean? For many women, stability is an important word when it comes to career, but not romantic life. We need a guarantee that it will be there tomorrow what we are doing, but not who we are doing. Sure, everyone needs a company but that is the thing about people these days, they are so darn replaceable. If you are a decent looking girl, guys will flirt with you, guys will ask you out and these guys are all so similar. Or are they just all the same?
If you, as a girl, are not going to be strong-armed by society, you can date, you can get regular sex, you can live-in, you can have entire relationship without marriage ever factoring in. Only problem is, does it take a toll on you emotionally, do you have to keep a check on how much are you investing emotionally? I can’t help but wonder, is this the reason guys are the way they are in a relationship? Did guys learn this lesson before us? Are we finally learning this lesson? Most importantly, where does this leave our society?
P.S. Choice of language that imparts the idea that society allowed women this freedom is intentional.
Good Lord, must it be difficult to be a father. How much a father loves his beautiful and smart daughter has been shown in movies and books enough already but what about the fathers with not-so-perfect daughters? I am pretty sure that a father, unlike any other man, would adore her irrespective of her being aesthetically beautiful or not but what if the said flaws are not physical?
The most difficult task after the forgiving someone is to love them unconditionally post forgiving. Loving an asshole, making society question his parenting, getting married against his wishes, talking back, rash driving, tattoos, alcohol and what not, fathers have forgiven everything. How do fathers love us when we are flawed all the time? In today’s world, we have come to terms with forgiving lying, cheating, back-stabbing, two-timing and whatnot! Personally having forgiven enough of these vices but not never being able to love post the ordeal, I have started to wonder if their love is different than the one that we have come to learn of.
A father pays an obscene amount of money for his daughter’s education, compliments her cooking- experiments even if he is intolerant to those of his wife’s, suppresses his fears every time some guy is mentioned, melts when the daughter coaxes him into fulfilling her absurd shopping wish-list, patiently shows her how much love she deserves thereby establishing a precedent for another man who will love her, watches her turn from a baby into a woman and all this just to turn his back on her and give her away one day and then not to see her months at a stretch? When a man loves his wife, there is desire; with parents, there is a sense of duty; unlike a son, generally speaking, a daughter isn’t even a support for his old age; with daughters, it is pure affection.
Is key to this transcendental love the fact that they are too busy with their jobs or is it a conscious effort to ignore the mistakes of his teenage daughter. May be it is decades of knowing their daughters, especially in their formative years, or maybe it is some logic of same genes/blood that leads to unconditional love. I heard a story once that a father didn’t utter a single word when his daughter drew all over his passport after which he had to take pains of getting it re-issued*. What do we daughters do in return for all that love? Sure, you can’t compare love but I’m certain a daughter’s love isn’t as pure as her father’s. I can’t be the only one who has had multiple bouts of hatred (please tell me I’m not the only horrible daughter or else I’d have a huge pang of guilt on me for the rest of my life.)
Being a father is such a painful job but at the same time I can see that it is gratifying to have a daughter. Seeing his daughter all grown-up in a dress and heels has to be a proud feeling but it must also hurt to know that there is no little girl with pigtails anymore. Marrying a daughter away has to be relief but it surely leaves a father bereft. Is there an underlying masochism of some sort? Do guys today want to be a father anymore? Do they have it in them?
“A Daughter is a treasure and a cause for sleeplessness” Ben Sirach
“It kills you to see them grown up but I guess it will kill you faster if they didn’t” Barbara Kingsolver
P.S. Since a few of you asked, this is not a dedication to my father, he is not even in the same country right now.
Uttrakhand disaster has been flooding my timeline for past few days. Preferential treatment given to the selected few to save their lives sparked a debate whether the privileged deserve this distinction ( for their extra contribution to the society) or not and this lead to me thinking about Elitist Vs Populist
In a democracy like India, functioning without a populist approach is impossible. However much one may hate the quota system, little solution exist to close the gap between the rich and the poor. Our Foreign policies can’t be based to favor bureaucrats, it has to favor NRIs and their families and similarly environmental policies can’t favor industrialists, it has to favor the population living in those areas. Populism is the reason why a Jayalalitha doesn’t allow a Sri Lankan player to play for IPL in her state. Catering to the needs of majority of the section of society is how a democratic government functions.
That being said, how do you get above par intellectual and professional performance? Would you want a sub-par doctor performing your surgery, don’t best students deserve extra attention to make them even better doctors (or scientist and engineers) which ultimately is an egalitarian goal and serves majority population? I can’t be the only one to want only the cream people in ISRO (Meritocracy)!
Populism is basically a belief of equality (egalitarian) which leads to doing what majority section wants whereas Elitism is a cerebral belief and leads to doing what one believes yo be right (or more important) and not bothering about what majority wants. Simply put, a TOI gives you everything you want (Populism) as compared to an Economist that gives you only the refined version of the news (Elitism). That explains the difference between the money that a documentary makes as compared to that of a Bollywood movie. How else can you explain the years that CID or a Star Plus serial ran?
Personally, I find Populism as Utopian ideal. For a Class-less governance, a class-less society needs to exists. In our society, elite pay more income-tax as a price for civilized society. Everybody is working hard, some are just smarter or even lucky but they have been paying their dues! Populism maintains the status-quo, it gives society what it wants. Elitism on the other hand improves society. If you believe a girl isn’t to be blamed for her rape (which majority in India still believes), how can you not support elitism? If you want society to value a Sam Pitroda more than KRK (Twitter followers: 85k+ & 128k+ resp.), how can you be a populist? In the end, what matters is, how you want your society; just like you are or better than you are?
P.S. 1) For the purpose of this blog, Populism also include pluralism, secernment etc and elitism refers to intellectually smart, hard-worker category of people and not inherent-rich category which is racist, sexist etc.
Kids being a disappointment for their parents is not anything unusual but what about parents being a disappointment for the entire world? At some level I might accept an alcoholic or an abusive or even ex-con as a parent (conditions apply) but what I don’t accept is parents raising their kids wrong.
In the two recent gang-rape cases (December: medical student gang-raped in a moving bus, April: minor girl raped by neighbor) one of the accused and the culprit (respectively) are minor. Surely both of them are responsible for what they did and they deserve punishment but I don’t think it ends there, what about parents? Aren’t parents supposed to talk Birds & Bees with their little ones (even if they don’t want to talk, they are at least supposed to make sure that they know everything about it) and make sure they are capable of know what is right and what isn’t? Honestly, I have no idea about parents of the implicated in these cases. They can be orphan for all I care but these aren’t isolated cases and I am sure not every parent in India is taking enough caution so as to make sure their teenagers don’t commit this crime. Are we going to let those folks off the hook? There is no punishment for them?
Sole responsibility of a parent isn’t just financially supporting their child, it is to make sure they are raising a good individual. I don’t recommend stay-at-home moms nor do I recommend excessive authority over youngsters. Figure out what works best for your situation but parents all over haven’t really proved themselves competent of figuring this out all on their own. Since I believe in adoption, I know that there are strict rules, background checks etc before allowing adoption. In a country where 40% people are poor and not all deliveries happen at hospitals, establishing a similar strict system before allowing someone to be a parent is an impossible task but there can be ways like, lets say, in cities maternity hospitals can insist on psychological analysis of parents. The solution can be found but for now there is lack of awareness about the existence of problem itself! May be parents aren’t completely responsible, may be our society is but to a good extent a parent should be capable of making sure that people surrounding their minors don’t lead them into doing crimes. If saving a kid from wrong people isn’t responsibility of a parent, whose responsibility is it? There is a reason parenting is probably the most difficult job ever. If you are not ready, steer clear!
P.S. For now I’m ignoring kids involved in other crimes like theft, murder etc.
I should have been wanting to write this post since past five days but winters are making me lazy. All I want to do is be in my bed, watch a movie and sip a coffee; more importantly I just want to sleep! Anyway, finally I am writing it.
Anyone who enjoys Uttrayan in Gujarat knows that he also has to go through electricity fluctuation or whatever is the technical term for it. Because of this Kite flying, power keeps coming and going off. Even though there isn’t a lot of traffic on the road (everyone is on their respective terrace), streetlights weren’t working in some areas especially High-tension road and Subhanpura etc.
Because of lack of light and since I was driving slow, so that I don’t miss a particular lane that I was looking for (I was going to a cousin’s place), I was able to notice two guys following me on a bike. Obviously I tried the usual methods of drive fast, drive slow, indicate the other side & turn the other side etc (basically, drive like an idiot) to figure out if they were actually behind me. What I realized was worst, they were seasoned stalkers; they would vanish and then appear from thin air. I tried the trick I have mentioned in the previous incident but it didn’t work. I clearly showed them the bottle but I guess they were too vernacular to know about it.
I had no option but to resort to this. Thankfully there is one more sub-area in that area which I am aware of and that particular area had enough opportunities to drive rash and confront them. So that is what I did: made them overtake me but didn’t allow to actually do it, drove parallel to them in the sense that my window side was to them, push them to the end of the road (which has to be the wrong side of the road), gave them a very narrow place to drive and sprayed with my heart’s content. The one who was driving was a little out of my reach but the one riding pillion ended up shrieking.
I can’t express in words how good I felt after doing this to those idiots. But it wasn’t easy. First of all, this is the first time I actually sprayed! So, all you girls who carry a Pepper Spray, please learn how to aim. Also, if you are really bold, try spraying on your hands. You will realize what agony you are going to put others to. Since this was my first time and since I had not practiced, my aim wasn’t that good plus I ended up spraying a little inside the car itself. Trust me it is bad! I had to stop, go out, cough & sneeze for at least two minutes. There was a weird itching on my hand for the rest of the night (it happened around 10 pm)
Another lesson is for me. I’m getting myself a hockey stick next. I think I wouldn’t have to go through all of this if I had a hockey stick & I’d have shown that instead of Pepper Spray! That is the standard of those guys. They would understand only when they see something they are aware of. Hockey Stick would clearly tell them that I am not going to let them have their way whatever their way be. Stalking me is not allowed, period!
P.S. It has been five days since the incident and they haven’t been anywhere around me so I’m guessing I’m safe, at least from those two!
I am happy while I write this post because by the end of it, eve-teasers actually ran away. 😀
This incident happened few days back (and I have been meaning to write it since then but have been super lazy 😛 ). So while driving, all of us have experienced a situation wherein some guys on bike are just showing off but this particular pair of guys were a gone case. They’d zoom on the road and speak rubbish to everyone including me. I understand that they were in party mood (It was evening of Jan 1st) but what they spoke infuriated me.
Since the Delhi gang rape incident, even the smallest of things provoke me and this was no small thing by any measure, I was furious and I was just giving them a death stare. They noticed and were continually looking back at me. That provoked me even more and I decided to shout at them or overtake them and stop in the middle of the road and teach them a lesson (Mind you, I was on Jail road, so with so many policemen, traffic and SSG hospital and Narmada Bhavan so close by, I think I was pretty safe.) But luckily, I didn’t have to do anything, they sensed my anger and stopped smirking but kept looking back. I just knew they were talking about me being angry.
I knew they were waiting for my reaction and I started struggling to find the best reaction to this. What I ended up doing was the best thing I ever did. I opened my purse (kept on my passenger seat, never keep it on the back seat) with one hand and found my bottle of pepper spray. (I am a huge fan of Pepper Spray. I have never used it but it gives me so much of confidence. Of course, you can rely on baton or stun gun or whatever). I opened the cap and held it in my right hand ( so that I can easily spray from the window) while I kept driving.
And you won’t believe what just happened next, they stopped very close to a policemen so as to tie a handkerchief on their nose. If the situation wasn’t that tragic, it would have been super funny (actually it still was, at least in retrospect 😀 ). Naturally, I had stopped a little behind them to see what they were doing. I almost felt the rush that a guy would feel while chasing a girl. I had that “Today, I’m not leaving you. I’m gonna get you” feeling. Ultimately, I didn’t get them. I tried chasing them but they had sensed the trouble and were out of sight in no time.
I was still shaking with fury but I had achieved my purpose, I told them this attitude of theirs won’t be ignored and there will be an equal (probably more) and opposite reaction. Now, since I am not psychiatrist and can in no way claim to know what effect this will have on those guys, I am just hopeful that it won’t encourage them.
P.S. While I write this post, a radio station I’m listening to plays “naye zamane ke laila hun main teri pungi baje ke rahungi” 😛
I had already written a blog post in context of Delhi-Gang-Rape case so I wasn’t going to write again but this happened with me today and I am still shivering (post an hour or so of the incident) and I didn’t know how to express my fury other than by writing this blog post!
Thanks to the ongoing India-Pakistan match, I had to do the job of getting curd from a nearby shop. I was passing by and a guy, talking to his friend sitting on a bike, looked at me and commented something which I will put under the definition of eve-teasing. Ideally, women like me are safe; we roam around in groups, carry pepper sprays, keep car windows up and usually we don’t talk to strangers. I feel pretty safe. What that guy said made no difference to me, I didn’t even listen to exact words he spoke but the words I heard were enough for me to assume the statement he would have made.
I almost walked past him but all the frustration from what we have been listening on TV was pent-up inside me and I realized I don’t want this guy to think that he can get away with speaking rubbish to someone. I just turn around, scolded him, slapped him and he reacted as well. Luckily, it was day time and there were a lot of people. That guy worked in a garage close to my place, the owner came and stopped the fight and scolded him. If I’d have walked out of the situation, nothing would have happened. But I didn’t and now I am hurt (Argg, his grip was strong and I hate the fact that he held my hand but then I slapped him, so yeah, fair enough)
I don’t know what I did was right or wrong. I am specially confused because that garage owner knows my Dad and if my Dad finds out about it, he is going to start worrying about me. I just didn’t want him to think that he can get away, I didn’t want him to think that a girl won’t reciprocate and I definitely didn’t want that guy to be lead on and harass other girls.
Dear Congress Party, I would love to vote for you because you have some of the most amazing people as a part of your party and because you are a left-wing party but there are some reasons which stop me. I am a simple girl from Gujarat and I would any day vote for BJP in Gujarat unless you consider these points.
You are a left-wing part not by choice but by fate and only because there isn’t any other party who is more leftist than you are. Your actions don’t show traces of conservative politics and that is why you are left-wing, not because you are liberal or socialist. Please start making sure that actions speak louder than the words in your manifestos.
Mrs Gandhi, Can you please clear the air regarding your education? The claims on Wikipedia regarding your honorary doctorate from Madras University etc aren’t really substantiated. Honestly, it doesn’t matter what your education is, but when INC talks about adult education, women education etc., people have smirk on their faces and that bothers me. Put all these issues to rest once and for all?
Rahul Baba, prove your mettle already! Mr Pilot, Mr Scindia come from political families as well but they have proved their worth. You, coming from the most celebrated family in India, should have changed the scenario of politics in India or at least done something outstanding. Apart from average performance of Youth Congress, there is nothing to your credit. Take up some big ministry and let us all see your work?
I understand that none of the major parties across India is perfect. All of them are selfish, venal etc. But you are the strongest party ever and you have had the maximum number of chances to come to the power and do something for people and in all those times you were nothing but average. When even the strongest party isn’t doing something outstanding, why wouldn’t I rather support a party who is doing superb at least in my state? That should explain you why Gujarat chooses BJP for outstanding development work, West Bengal chooses TMC for Singur & Nandigram movements. So is true for other regional parties like SP, JDU etc. Take a hint, India is democracy & majority voters are young. Keep these in mind and you should be able to sweet all the elections.
Voters like to have power. When I am giving you my vote, I would like to keep you accountable for it. Show your support. You can’t hide in your bunglows all the time. Speak up, console people and take actions to make their lives better.
There are many more things that you need to work on. Just start with these and start NOW!
Disclaimer: Read the entire first paragraph and not just first two lines before hating me.
You can hate me for saying this but, from my experience, I believe that any state with more than 1 rape/molestation case registered in a week needs to ban alcohol with immediate effect. I am not saying that such horrendous acts happen only because of the influence of alcohol. No, I would never say that. What I am trying to say is, banning alcohol is not a preemptive measure, but it is a punishment for people for not making a state be a better place, it is punishment for all parents for not making their kids a good person, it is a punishment for all youngsters for not making their friends be a good person, it is a punishment for all of you who are not a good person.
How can we talk about freedom to drink when there is no freedom to safety? There needs to law and order before there is any freedom. Freedom comes once we establish a structure. It can not go the other way round. As for the parallel economy or black money that will come into this equation because of such a practice of banning alcohol, please explain me how much good has our government done any way with all the money that we give them as taxes, that money is stashed in Swiss accounts. I’d rather have a small parallel economy running than see a girl with such injuries. I’d rather see youngsters complaining for lack of freedom than see a life ruined. I’d rather have people drinking sneakily and illegally at their homes than see them out in the open and making scenes. I’d rather see every one (girl or a boy) complaining and suffering from injustice of not being allowed to drink in public than see guys having the right to move around at night and girls being held captives in the comforts of their own homes after dark. I’d rather have everyone not being allowed to live their life to the fullest than see some people succumbing to injuries and losing their lives.
For me, rape, molestation, eve-teasing etc are the worst crimes of all. They are worse than assassin, murder, riots, forgery, extortion, robbery, embezzlement and even genocide. I don’t think I’d be very wrong if I say there is at least one rape every half an hour. Rapes disgust me the most because, more often than not, the victim here is not planned before hand. Just because I guy is horny, any girl who comes in his way, gets to suffer. This attitude depicts the way people in the country are, it shows how nobody cared for law, it shows how less concerned are we for our women, it shows how less a life means to us.
I am not trying to victimize alcohol for the acts some stupid people do. There is very fine line between blaming alcohol for such acts and banning it as a punishment for not making the society our society law-abiding and civilized. You might ask that if it is such a fine line, how come alcohol came into a picture of rapes and molestation, it did because I live in a state which is extremely safe and which has alcohol forbidden. I have lived here for more than two decades and take my word for it, I have NEVER felt unsafe, not for a SECOND. May be it is just the culture of the city and it has got nothing to do with alcohol after all, but I would want to see this culture in the entire country. It hurts me that administrative capital of my country is also the rape capital.
May be you will find faults in what I say, but why don’t you try to find a better solution instead? While you do, we can experiment with banning alcohol in the state. While I know my voice is not going to reach the ears of the likes of Sheila Dixit, I rejoice in the fact that I live in a city where I am safe. My dear Delhi counterparts, I feel sorry for you. All my sympathies with you, may God save you from other humans around you!
A small act that women should do when their state is going through election process. Go to all the polls and put up a poster saying, “Decrease crimes against women and I might vote for you next time”. It is a small act. I am not sure if it will work or not but it is, I guess, worth a try.
1. If you find a fault in my plan, I’m sure we can improvise. Don’t bother telling me it won’t work without giving proper reasons.
2. Just to reiterate, I am NOT saying that only drunkards rape, I am not even averse to the fact that alcohol might have nothing to do with rapes. All I have suggested is just a punishment for entire society and thereby kindling a hope of improvement.